FOCUS ON FAMILY
GROWING TOGETHER AS A FAMILY: Breaking Bread
House to House
“He only is my rock and my salvation; he is my defence; I shall not be greatly moved.”
Psalms 62:2
WEEK III
MAINTAINING FAMILY STABILITY
Maintaining A Sense of Security (Ch. 3)
I’ve Got Your Back-Keeping Each Other’s Secrets (Ch. 7)
KEY SCRIPTURES:
Psalms 62:1-2
Hebrews 13:5
LEARNING GOALS
*To understand basic human needs
*To show how security impacts our basic needs
*To show how God fills the voids
*To understand the importance of supporting one another
*To understand when it is and when it is not okay to keep secrets
FOCUS ON FAMILY
GROWING TOGETHER AS A FAMILY: Breaking Bread
House to House
“He only is my rock and my salvation; he is my defence; I shall not be greatly moved.”
Psalms 62:2
WEEK III
MAINTAINING FAMILY STABILITY
Maintaining A Sense of Security (Ch. 3)
I’ve Got Your Back-Keeping Each Other’s Secrets (Ch. 7)
UNBREAKABLE MAINTAINING A SENSE OF SECURITY: (Psalms 62:1-2)
In order for a family to experience joy, there needs to be a firm foundation of security. Only God (and family members) know what actually goes on in the household behind closed doors. In order for “good fruit” to be manifested, it needs to be cultivated in the right soil and the right environment.
According to an article written by Paul Dunion, Author and Psychological Healer , 06/21/2016 04:58pm EDT | Updated June 22, 2017 there are several experiences of feeling secure:
-Milk and cookies at Grandma’s (assuming Grandma is a nurturing soul)
-Sitting around a crackling fire during a winter storm
-Cuddling with a puppy
-An education
-A promotion
-Financial investments doing well
-Feeling loved by someone
SECURE DEFINED: free from apprehension and free from danger; based on your
psychological reactions to both risks and countermeasures
Abraham Maslow developed a classification system called Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs to study how humans intrinsically partake in behavioral motivation.
This means that in order for motivation to arise at the next stage, each stage must be satisfied within the individual themselves. Additionally, this hierarchy is a main base in knowing how effort and motivation are correlated when discussing human behavior.
1) How do you build security in the home?
Security starts with the parents. Abuse (physical and emotional), divorce, inappropriate family secrets, and illness and death can chip away at a family’s sense of security. Children need to see their parents communicating and working out differences in their relationship. Daily maintenance keeps couples from having to make major overhauls in their relationship (Ephesians 4:26).
-own your mistakes
-honestly share your feelings and fears with each other
-let your children know your marriage is important enough to invest in for the long haul
-let them know that “disagreement” does not mean “divorce”
FLYING SOLO
Raising strong healthy families when both parents are present is difficult enough; there may be circumstances, however, when flying solo (single-parenting) becomes inevitable.
-divorce
-death of a spouse
-unwed parenting
-parent who is physically present yet emotionally detached
If you are divorced or estranged, you have to work harder to try to get along with your ex. Even though you may be a single-parent, your home can still be a secure haven; you are not alone. You may feel judged by the church, abandoned by family members, or stressed from trying to be both parents. God has promised that He will never leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5); He can fill the gap. Your ex may have left you, but God never will.
2) What are some practical ways you can give your children a sense of family security?
-pray with your children for the other parent and be genuinely thankful for him/her
-do your best to work through conflicts without involving the children
-seek out an older Christian couple who can come alongside and invest in the life of your
kids
You may need to put dating on the back burner for a while. Keep standards high when dating.
PARENTING 101: FEAR OR TRUST
3) Are you a “first generation Christian” Parent?
First generation Christian parents did not grow up in a home where Christianity was
practiced or encouraged; going to church, studying God’s word was not a priority in the home. More and more people today are finding themselves in this category as even those who were raised in the church have walked away from it.
First generation Christian parents face particular challenges. The bible speaks about believers being unequally yoked with unbelievers (II Corinthians 6:14). Couples who are not on the same page with their parenting beliefs can cause confusion and friction in the home, particularly if the husband (who is called to be the head of the household (Ephesians 5:23)) is a first generation Christian.
First generation parents tend to:
-parent out of fear (rubber band/flashback to their own behaviors and mistakes)
-have a lack of biblical principles model from their own parents
-rely on world standards of parenting
4) How did you feel when your children approached their teen-age years? How do you feel when you anticipate your children’s teen-age years?
When first generation Christian parents ‘children become teens they freak out. As their children begin to venture away from home, driving, hanging out with friends more, and dating, some parents reflect back to their own teen-age years and fear starts to take over. Fear brings torment (I John 4:18; II Timothy 1:7).
5) How can you avoid feeling panicky when your child reaches their teen-age years?
One way to avoid panicking is to plant the right seeds in your children early; before they reach their teen-age years and trust that the seeds you plant in your children’s lives will come to fruition (Proverbs 22:6; I John 5:14-15).
Parents must also understand that all children will have areas of temptation and weakness. Parents should not blindly assume that their child is able to navigate through on their own.
-get involved
-become proactive
-share with them ways to overcome temptations
-know who your children are spending their time with
-make your home an inviting place for your children to bring their friends
-be approachable so that your children feel they can come to you (not their friend)
WHEN TO TRUST AND NOT TO TRUST
Satan is a thief who comes to steal, kill, and to destroy (John 10:10a). One thing that Satan steals are dreams, goals of what God has planned for His people. Parents must be careful not to set their children up for failure. Children don’t always think about the future (what could happen). As parents, it is your job to think about possibilities and help your children avoid unnecessary situations that could lead to traps (Matthew 26:41).
-consequences of sexual sin are much greater than being late for curfew or blowing off
Homework
-assure your children that you trust them to make wise choices; you believe in them
-don’t intentionally place them in settings where they will be intensely tempted
-children must prove themselves worthy of more freedom (not just because all their
friends are allowed to do certain things)
-don’t lower your expectations; adopting the world’s deceptive thinking
-guide your children through loving boundaries; set parameters
FREEDOM TO FAIL
6) How do you respond to your children’s mistakes?
Mistakes are a part of growing and learning. Parenting is a delicate balancing act. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you become a “helicopter parent” hovering over your children all the time. Hovering causes the opposite reaction. Instead of children becoming responsible, they become rebellious; waiting for the day when they are free from the bondage of your watchful eye.
-don’t expect perfection from your children; expect respect, communication, and a desire
to obey. Be confident in your planning and preparation.
-how you handle the tremors caused by your children’s mistakes will reveal how
secure your home is
-remember that your worth and identity is in being a child of God; not in being a “perfect
parent” of “perfect children”
The only sure way not to make mistakes is not to try; which is a mistake in itself. Parents are children’s first teachers. Romans 3:23 reminds us that we are not perfect (that includes parents). When your children make mistakes, lovingly help them to work through their mistakes and to come up with better solutions (Proverbs 15:1). Parenting requires time, patience, and humility. When parents humble themselves and extend grace to their children, it teaches them how to extend grace to others.
CLINGING TO THE ROCK
7) How is your relationship with your children?
We live in an age of fear, deadbolts, lo-jacks, spy-cams, and home security systems. The bible already tells us what the source of our security (Psalms 62:1-2). As children mature, the goal should be to become less dependent on their parents. However, there will be times when your children will need to cling to you
-they will look to you to be the rock and fortress as God is for you
-your love, time, and wisdom can buoy them when the waters of this world become
choppy and frightening
-conflict, when approached with commitment and resolved with compassion actually strengthen the foundations of the family relationship
I’VE GOT YOUR BACK (Proverbs 17:9)
8) Loyalty isn’t “taught” as much as it is “caught”. Should families have an unswerving allegiance to their loved ones?
ALLEGIANCE DEFINED: loyalty or faithfulness, especially to a person or cause.
When it comes to the family, you are a team. Team members
-defend one another
-stick up for one another
-have a common goal
When a family refers to itself as a “team” it says they are in this together (teamwork makes the dream work). However, there are circumstances when loyalty to the family may be challenged.
9) How does your family support one another as a “team”; show their allegiance?
There are certain factors required in order to build a team
-promote allegiance by sharing stories
-the family name is only as strong as the weakest link
-repeated explanation (of your mission) to your toddler, ongoing clarification to your
kids, and constant reinforcement to your teens
10) Accidents will happen. How does your family respond to them? Does your family extend grace or guilt; assurance or embarrassment (Matthew 6:15; Matthew 18:21-35)?
THE TOP PRIORITY (Luke 14:26)
11) What is your number 1 priority?
-family
-work
-recreation
-material possessions (house, car, etc.)
-self
All these things are important, some may be necessary for living; however, none of them should be placed above or before God. God has promised that when we make Him our top priority, all the other things will be added (Matthew 6:33).
12) When choosing between a church related function, a sports activity, dance recital, or a
night out on the town, which takes priority?
What you devote your time (make your priority) to reveals where your heart is (Matthew
6:21). Working together as a team and remaining faithful to God’s Will is a delicate
balancing act.
In Luke 14:26 Jesus said “If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.” Jesus didn’t stress “hate” in the way we understand it. Jesus meant that nothing should come before God. Until we understand that concept, we are not truly His disciples.
If you want to raise joyful, genuine Christian kids, you must be totally sold out for Christ. The strong positive feelings for your family (and yourself) pale in comparison to your love for the Lord (Matthew 22:37-40). Our love for God should supersede any other love. The ultimate priority ought to be our relationship with God. Love for your family and loyalty naturally follows your love for God.
SACRED MOMENTS
Our society could benefit from lessons in “loyalty”
-high divorce rate
-broken homes
-out-of-control children
-cynical grown-ups
-broken promises (empty promises)
-unpaid debts
-unreturned calls
-weak excuses
Relationships thrive in an environment of acceptance, transparency, trust, promises “made” and promises “kept”. Nothing will destroy a relationship quicker than a broken confidence.
13) When you promise that you will do something do you honor that promise?
14) How much thought do you give towards what you are promising to do?
Many parents, out of frustration, make promises to their children they never intend to keep. They hope that their children will eventually forget what they were promised. This is seldom the case.
Keeping promises (when possible) or explaining to your children why things changed is important in building trust in a relationship.
Nothing will build a relationship like honoring the “sacred moments” of life.
Sacred Moments are the private and personal situations that should not be shared outside the circle, in this case, the family circle.
Children need to be taught the meaning of confidentiality (the keeping of another person or entity’s information private.)
-some conversations or embarrassing moments are private family matters
-protect siblings rather than ridicule them or rat them out
-treat discipline issues and humiliating moments with siblings as sacred
15) When should secrets be shared?
Sometimes there may be family secrets that need to be shared; abuse thrives in privacy. The cycle of abuse is passed down from generation to generation when certain “secrets” are kept.
Parents, must first understand the difference between a healthy and an unhealthy
relationship.
-teach children what is “fair game” and what isn’t
-teaching children what stays private and what can go public is an ongoing challenge
POSITIVE PEER PRESSURE
16) Is it better to reward good behavior or to punish bad behavior?
-Loyalty lubricates the hinges of your relationship and opens the windows and doors so
that the Spirit can come in.
-Loyalty gives purpose and confidence to each member of your team (family)
-In a society that turns up its nose at the concept of delayed gratification, it’s wise to
hang some carrots in front of your kids
-gives them a goal to shoot for
-helps them establish habits that will serve them all their lives
-siblings can offer support to one another
Family loyalty could be described as “positive peer pressure”
-kids stuck with the plan because of who they had become
-along the way a higher purpose becomes the goal and helps kids avoid some of
the typical teenage pitfalls
IN YOUR CORNER: It must be evident to each family member that you are in one another’s corner. The home must be a safe house for family members to retreat to, be themselves, and to know they are accepted, defended, and protected.